Because I am fat....

ny self-help books you read and therapy sessions you attend you can’t quite love the person who is staring back at you in the mirror, frustrated because personal trainers and exercise sessions are not enough, scared because every bite you eat not only makes you fat but could cause cancer or diabetes or whatever disease the scientists have induced on unsuspecting lab rats.

I am fat. I know it. I live in this body every day. I am also getting older. And my body lets me know with every crick crack of my joints and the hiss of my swollen feet. My body is changing faster than I can adjust to the transformation. I know it. I am the one in here. I am the one INHABITING this body.

I wanted to come to this wedding. I wanted to see my cousin get married to a man she loves and who loves her back.

But I was afraid to come here and almost decided not to. Every year I come to Puerto Rico to visit my mother and the relatives she has managed not to alienate completely. Every year I come because I love the green of the mountains and the intensity of the color of the sea. I love to feel the heat of Christmas time during the day and the coolness of the breeze once the sun sets. I can’t get enough of villancicos, aguinaldos, el Patriota, Christmas masses, the warm sea of New Year, the Three Kings parade, artisan exhibitions, the Spanish of mi gente.

But I am a freak. Such a pity, they think, with such a pretty face “pero taaaaan gooorrrrdaaa.” It is no wonder, they continue to muse, shaking their heads as they steal glances at my large frame, that she is not married.